CHOOSE LIFE
I reach down with my right hand, grab the strap of my heavy green backpack heaving it over my shoulder. My body braces for the added load. Taking steps towards the gate leading out to the street, I reach back and I slide my left arm into the strap. The added weight makes my steps short and sends my body lumbering forward. Click, click. I’m harnessed in. Inhale, right foot then left foot contact the pavement. Exhale, right foot, left foot. My focused gaze lifts and zeros in on the stop sign at the end of the block.
The workout of the day, also know as WOD in CrossFit terms, was a 35 pound 400 meter run followed by a 400 meter run without the weight. Completing my first 400 meters, I unclipped and slipped my arm out of the strap. The pack fell off of my body like a dead weight hitting the concrete with a thud. I sprinted out of the gate like a cheetah. Thirty-five pounds lighter, my legs self-propelled with long, extended strides. A joyful smile spread across my face. It felt like I was flying.
RESISTANCE
How often are we running through life with the added weight of resistance?
Is there resistance when the alarm goes off waking you for another day? Is there resistance when you get into your car to go to work? Is there resistance at the thoughts of all there is to do?
You are carrying extra weight.
Resistance develops when we do not want to do something. We don’t want to face challenge and the pain that comes with it. Not wanting to feel discomfort is perfectly normal however- cruel joke from the universe- avoidance of pain turns pain into suffering. Adversity to pain straps that pack to your back as you head out the door to work. It makes the struggle of your day that much more difficult.
For example, you are in traffic and someone, blares their horn at you, cuts you off and you narrowly escape an accident. How do you react? Anger? Chase the car down, yell and flip them off? Who carries that anger with them? You do. What if you respond with a shrug and say “May that person get wherever they are going safely. I am grateful I wasn’t in an accident.” Now what do you carry with you? Peace. Anger is the resistance to what happened that is out of your control. Peace is not putting on the backpack of anger and suffering.
BURIAL OF RESISTANCE
There was a time in my life that I wanted to die. Life was too hard. Regularly, images of taking a gun to my head would flash vividly in my mind. Crimson tides washing down the blackboards my closed eyelids like a scene from The Shining. I had isolated myself from my friends and family. The people I was hanging out were in the same state of suffering that I was. After working my shift as a bartender, half-drunk already, I would head to a dark, bar lined with green pool tables, reeking of oil and tater tots. I would spend the rest of my evening and into the next day poisoning my body and mind with alcohol. My pained reality was a result of not wanting to feel pain. I had manifested what I was trying to avoid. Death was a welcomed escape and every action I was taking was begging for the reaper to storm my door.
Fortunately, a man who eventually became my husband entered my life and quite literally saved me from myself. While our relationship did not work out, I will be forever grateful to him. I was hanging over a ledge of despair barely holding on. The slightest move in any direction and I would have fallen. He grabbed my hand and brought me to safety. He saved my life.
REACH FOR THE SKY
Yesterday, I finished writing for the day and was getting ready for my workout. My mind was flooded with procrastinating thoughts negotiating every detail. Everything was distracting me. I narrowed in on this resistance and asked why? I want to work out. It is one of my favorite things to do in my day. Where is my resistance coming from? What is my resistance to living my life? As I asked myself this question, the image of myself in this dark, seedy bar almost 20 years ago came into my mind. “Is it possible that remnants of those dark, desolate times is a weight I am still carrying?” Thoughts of that time in my life stayed with me throughout the workout and the remainder of the day. I never told anyone how dark my mind had become, not even my husband. It was something I was afraid to even admit to myself. Soon after meeting my partner, we moved to Seattle and I never looked back. Yesterday, I turned around and looked. Out loud, I said: “There was a time I wanted to kill myself.” I sent my former self loving kindness and forgiveness. Then, I made the loud resounding announcement to my mind, body and spirit. “I WANT TO LIVE.” Not only do I want to live, I want to live the most purposeful existence possible.
I took off the backpack.
TAKE FLIGHT
Resistance prevents us from fully being in the moment, from fully living our lives. It fills our pack with sand and places it on our backs.
How do we take off the backpack? By changing our mindset. Change ‘have to’ into ‘get to’ and find gratitude.
I get to wake up today and live another day in this body: “I am grateful for another day to be alive.”
I get to go to work and fulfill my purpose: “I am grateful to have a job and earn a living.”
I get to be challenged each day: “I am grateful for this day and its challenges for they bring growth.”
If it feels appropriate, go further by reflecting on the past and asking your self what is holding you back. Sit in the safe space of meditation to breathe and clear out resistance bands of the past. Tell every cell of your body with a definitive statement that you want to live. Welcome challenges as a means for growth and meet every moment with a YES! I WANT TO BE HERE! I WANT TO LIVE!
Take the backpack off and fly.
CONTINUED PRACTICE
Today, we have our last segment on resistance. A reading is attached along with the guided resistance visualization meditation. Contemplate and journal anything of significance that arises.
To your greatness.