In 2012, I found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship. The red flag occurred after a night out one month into dating. He was not pleased with my affectionate behavior towards one of my friends and exploded on me. Apologizing profusely, I cried all the way home. He kept yelling at me and putting me down until we reached his driveway. I kept crying and he continued to yell.

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I should have ended the relationship that night, but I stayed for a year. I was unable to take the action I needed to because of fears and insecurities. His abusive behavior towards me occurred regularly. He would scream at me, I would get triggered, react emotionally, feel like everything was my fault and try to fix things, fix him. When I was finally free, I felt emotionally distraught. It was as if I had been put in a washing machine on spin cycle. My emotional health was at an all time low. The sobriety I had committed to was long gone. I felt worthless, broken, and ashamed. What had happened to me? I knew right then and there that I had to prioritize getting well. I was scared. I worried for myself that if I did not address the fragility of my emotional health, the next relationship I found myself in could be even worse. I saw the likely possibility of being with someone who was physically abusive, and it terrified me to my core.

While the breakup was a relief, it caused a flood of grief to wash in. The grief from my failed marriage, disappointment for myself for letting in such a toxic person, along with the grief of a lifetime of insecurities. The damn broke and it felt like I was downing in a sea of despair and loneliness. I was alone and I made the commitment that I would stay alone until I could trust myself again. My fear being trapped in another toxic relationship was far greater than my fear of being alone. I resolved, with courage, to find healing by facing my fears and acknowledging my grief.

EVERYDAY GRIEF

Grief begins when we are born into this temporary existence. Forced out of the loving protective womb of our mother, we enter the world with a cry of grief. Loss Is a daily experience because everything ends eventually, even life. From the most intensive grief like the of the death of a loved one to the smallest grief of a passing minute, our everyday grief builds up against the damn of our resistance to feeling such pains. When a catastrophic grief hits our lives, it bulldozes our protective damn. No amount of resistance can fortify up against incoming trauma. A lifetime of grief floods out with such intensity that we rebuild the concrete wall as fast as we can. It is too much all at once.

Most people think of grief as a deep sadness one feels after a cataclysmic loss. It is this and so much more. It is the little losses and the big losses; it is the time we cannot get back. Life is a perpetual motion of grief one moment to the next. Protective layering of emotions is the surface of grief. Anger, anxiety, depression, arrogance cement walls around grief. Grief is often the underlying currant when we finally allow ourselves to feel the initial emotion in a moment of loss. The nature of the unconscious mind is does not initiate this ‘feeling-into’ process automatically. Initially, we identify with the anger, the depression, the sadness then, the mind begins to figure out how to squelch that unwanted feeling with avoidance, denial, food, sex, pleasure of some kind. Seeking something outside of us to numb the pain of grief has a temporary effect. True healing is found by turning inward.

ACKNOWLEDGE GRIEF

Meditation provides a spigot in our damn to slowly let the water of our grief out. To feel our grief is to acknowledge its presence in the first place. The acknowledge of impermanence of life and the grief of every little loss gives space for our lives. We face our grief to find freedom from the struggle of constantly fighting what we cannot change. When I sit to eat a delicious meal, I look at the food on my plate with the conscious recognition that it will soon be in my belly and my plate will be empty. When I do this, I feel gratitude for what is in front of me and savor every bite. The wanting of more after eating enough, is not wanting the pleasure to end. The end is inevitable yet we resist it. We build that damn against the waters of grief. Our fear of endings and the pain of loss fights with the certain death of everything. This is why nothing outside of you will ever make you truly happy. It ends. It eventually causes grief.

FIND JOY BY RECOGNIZING LOSS

Open the spigot. Before, true joy and contentment for life can be fully appreciated, there becomes a need for the acknowledgement of grief. To know happiness is to know sadness, to know joy is to know grief. The meditation practice you have been undergoing during this training has been allowing you to process a lifetime of grief a drip at a time. You are already on your way to fulfillment. Processing your grief is healing the heart. This deconstructs the damn of protection. Your mind will no longer need the self-limiting band aids that you have been reaching towards as a remedy for your pain. Sitting with what is uncomfortable, what the mind tries to avoid, dissolves the impact of grief. It lets up some pressure, giving way to a peaceful mind, a peaceful life.

COURAGEOUSLY, LET GO

The grasping and longing for things to be otherwise is the root of all suffering-the catalyst of grief. Let go and let in your life. Open the spigot and start taking down your damn brick by brick so that the waters can flow evenly to both sides. Release the pressure built by a lifetime of holding to grief. Connect to the permanence that we all share. A never-ending source of bliss is found in awareness, consciousness, and the oneness of being. Here we universally connect to our lost loved ones and our liberated Self.

i can assure you that the heavy heartedness that is felt when facing grief dissolves into luminescent joy when investigated. The radiant moments of happiness amidst everyday grief are enjoyed fully and gratefully because of the knowledge that they will pass into another moment.

It has been 7 years since being in a relationship based around fear and neediness. I am grateful for the awareness and growth brought in by this painful chapter of my life. My growth would not have come about without sitting with my grief. Proudly, I am no longer afraid to be alone. I am not afraid that I will love someone who does not treat me with the respect I deserve. I know I can and will leave. While I have not dated since this relationship, I am confident that when I do meet someone who aligns with me, there will be nothing to fix, the foundation of our union will be one of love not fear.

MEDITATION PRACTICE

Attached is a reading on exploring grief and a guided grief meditation. Listen, contemplate and reflect on what arises for you. Use this as an investigatory tool into the healing of your heart and the training of your mind. We will continue to work with grief this week as an entry point for a fulfilling existence.

To your greatness.

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