RESPONDING TO ILLNESS AND INJURY
BODY OF FAILURE
After competing in countless triathlons and running events, I began to have problems with my knees. I had a goal to run a half-marathon every weekend in 2016. It was week five of 2016 and I was set to run my fifth half marathon around Vancouver Lake. The pain in my knees was present from the start of the race and by the time I finished, my legs could do little more than hold me upright.
Lord Hill Trail Run 2015
My body said with a loud exclamation STOP! I did not want to hear it. There was surly something could be done to continue. I had set a goal to run a 1:35 half marathon in February. I had to complete it. After a visit to the physical therapist, I was referred to an osteopath who specialized in the knee joint. The doctor performed a few tests then said nonchalantly, “I recommend you stop running and we perform surgery on your knees.”
A sensation of grief washed over my body. “What? This can’t be true?” “There has to be something else I can do.”
The doctor proceeded to explain the finality of his opinion. My mind went blank and I zoned into blackness. As I walked to my car, I wept uncontrollably.
I was a runner who could not run. My body had failed me. I was a failure.
FORGIVE THE BODY
Once my mourning period was over, I regrouped, assessed my options, and found what I could do. I rejected the advice that I needed surgery. I wanted to explore all other options first. During this time, I continued to CrossFit with modifications. I was also teaching 5 am Yoga and Mobility -YoMo- classes at my box. My attention homed in on learning more about the body and teaching others a more heightened body awareness. Not surprisingly, 5 am yoga was sparsely attended. I had my regulars to which I was grateful for. That year proved to be a year of gratitude.
The year prior I had decided to quit my job and go back to school to finish my bachelor’s degree. A dear friend rented me a room out of her acupuncture clinic where I started my own esthetician business doing skin care services two days a week. My income was greatly reduced at this time so, when rents took an astronomical shift in Seattle and my roommate decided to move, I had to find a new place to live. A friend was generous enough to allow me to move into her spare bedroom while I finished school and transitioned into opening my own business full time. She was such a blessing. Had I not had her to lean on, the next set back could have been disastrous.
In September, I broke my foot to which I needed surgery. At the same time, I had a precancerous lesion removed from my eye as well as dental surgery. Thankfully, the surgeries all went well and I did not have cancer in my eye. However, I was surly being told to slow down. Post surgeries, I was confined to the couch. Fortunately, I had all the time I needed for my studies and the work-load of my classes demanded it.
At the end of that year, I graduated with honors from Washington State University with a major in Social Science, emphasizing in economics, business administration and political science. It was the biggest accomplishment of my life. Had it not been for my injuries and the love of my friends, I would have struggled to survive that year let alone finish school. I did not complete my goal of running a 1:35 half marathon. I achieved something much greater.
RESPONDING TO PAIN AND INJURY
When the body experiences pain and injury, our initial response may be to close off to it, hate it, hate the body for being damaged, hate ourselves for being injured. Feel broken.
The urge to succumb to self-defeating thoughts is strong and creates resistance to what is happening. In learning to soften and accept the unexpected trials that come our way is to trust that there is a reason to the life-altering events that are happening. Trusting the process and finding gratitude were pivotal in moving through an otherwise challenge filled year.
A higher power intervened in my life in 2016 and shifted my trajectory. What I had planned to do was not to be. With the mindset to find gratitude each day and meet each road bump with a “what can I do approach” enabled me to not only get through the year but to end it with my proudest finish line.
MEDITATION PRACTICE
We are continuing to explore pain today. It is an uncomfortable topic but one that frees us from the self-limiting emotions of shame, grief, failure, anger and not-enoughness. Listen with a loving kindness for yourself and notice what arises for you. If you are currently facing illness or injury, practice forgiving the body and sending messages of care to yourself. Be your own best friend. This will open up possibilities for healing that resistance and hatred closes.
Good news is that through CrossFit have completely rehabilitated my knees. I won’t be running any more marathons, but I can run. My Self is not defined solely by running. I am not a runner. I am someone who sometimes runs.
To your greatness.