EXPLORATION OF GRIEF

This week’s practice of recognizing and exploring grief has been a challenging yet enlightening one. Awareness for grief brought about an intense heaviness that has been uncomfortable to be with. This has not been easy for me as I do not think it is easy for anyone. I have never given space for my grief. It feels guilty and self-indulgent. When I walk down the street and see people sleeping in doorways or speaking gibberish lost in their mental confusion, I am filled with compassion. I see the beauty and the pain in others. I feel it. I see the sad diverted, downcast eyes of another. I surround them with love and healing and the wishes to be free from their grief. This comes natural for me. I feel a genuine love for all beings.

For myself, it is something I have refused. Without consciously thinking, I am telling myself: “Look at the world. There is so much suffering. How can you even think that you have anything to grieve?” How can I feel grief for myself when I see people facing obstacles of a magnitude so much greater than my own?

ACTION

Nine years ago, I changed my self-limiting habits. Upon recognizing a ‘victim mentality’ that was keeping me in the same loops, I implemented the acceptance-gratitude-action cycle I spoke of in yesterday’s blog post. My method was (and is) be thankful for what each experience is teaching me and find what I can do. This served me. It got me out of a negative, helpless mind and into one of growth and progress. I knew I was capable of more than I was expecting of myself and was motivated by the desire to be happy and fulfill my life purpose. I committed to a life of self-discipline and evolution and have not looked back until now.

My remedy for everything became finding more to do. As I reflect on the last decade, I have accomplished much and overcome many obstacles. I have participated in countless fitness events, completed my bachelor’s degree and numerous courses, as well as opened my own business. While I am proud of these feats, there have also been a cycle doing too much. I put myself on a demanding schedule and plan out every hour of my day, including sleep. My body is typically in perpetual motion from one day to the next for 16 hours a day. Periodically, I hit proverbial walls and am forced to rest. Once rested, I initiate the pace once again. My story here is “I have so much I need to accomplish and so little time.” “I need to help others.” “I have to do more.”

My mind is so trained to ‘find what I can do’ that when Covid 19 hit and my skin care business closed, I jumped into action right away. I felt inspired to start writing and I have written five to six days a week for the past 8 weeks. I segmented my day into four projects. In the morning, I would write and work out. In the afternoon, I would go to my skin care practice and find things to do there. In the evening, I was recording work out videos for kids. Once again, I put myself on the wheel of ‘doing more.’

INACTION

Focusing on grief this week has put a mirror in front of me and forced me to look at myself. It has been some of the most difficult work I have ever done. It had made me look at something I have rejected and kept too busy to see: my grief.

I have always wanted a family. As a teenager, I babysat and dreamed of having my own children. I wanted to be a mother. On a regular basis, my best friend and I would talk about who we would marry and how many kids we would have, where we would live, giggling with excitement about our future life.

When my marriage ended in my thirties, I was faced with the possibility that I would have none of the things I fantasized about when I was younger. I came to peace with this when, after praying for an answer, I received a message that children would come into my life even if they were not my own. My desire for a partner met with the answer that he would come at the right time. I trusted that. I do trust that.

I let go of this future I had no control of and focused on what I could control in my life. I am purpose driven and reason with myself that my life did not go in the direction of being a wife and mother because there is something else I am supposed to accomplish on this plane of existence. I still believe that. That is not to say there is not grief for the life I wanted and thought I was to have. Until this week, I have not given this grief a thought.

SELF-COMPASSION

I am not one to feel sorry for myself. Pity is not something I want from others or will ever give to myself. Initially, when reflecting on my aloneness, I felt a weight upon me. It seemed counter intuitive to me to focus on the things that made me feel sad. My normal course of action is to go do things that make me happy like go for a bike ride or call a friend. After writing on grief one morning, my heart felt heavy. I got on my bike and rode to a park near my house that lines the Puget Sound in Seattle, Washington. The sun was shining, reflecting brilliance upon the vibrant spring colors of greens, pinks and blues. I could hear the birds sing in the distance and feel cool air on my skin. A magical stream of energy entered and exited the body as I pedaled. There is no activity that brings me more joy than being on my bike. I stood by the water and listened to the waves undulating in an out with the tide. The snow peaked Olympic mountains in the distance, framed the horizon against the brilliant blue of the sky. I was filled with appreciation for the magnificence of this universe I am but a speck in. The splendor in which I stood brought the recognition that I am a part of this infinite creation.

Sitting with grief, pain and the uncomfortable feelings that come with it has emphasized the importance of compassion. Compassion for all beings in this world who grieve and compassion for myself. Self-compassion is not feeling sorry for myself. It is not indulgent nor something to feel guilty about. It is necessary to practice in cultivating self-love. It is key in living a life free of resistance and limitations. It is the securing of my oxygen mask first and frees me to live my best life while being a positive influence on the world. The recognition of Self as a part of the greater whole brings contentment and purpose. It makes me feel alive.

Self-compassion is a bike ride. It is going to bed early. It is giving myself recognition for overcoming obstacles. It is validating Self instead of scrolling social media for likes. Self-compassion is giving myself a hug when I have not felt touch in eight weeks. Self-compassion is crying when I feel sad. Self-compassion is not doing so much all the time.

A practice of self-compassion is how to find completion within yourself instead of looking for it from someone or something outside of you. It enables one to kill the critic in the mind of negative self-talk and look upon ourselves with the kindness of a mother’s love. It is how to love and accept ourselves exactly as we are, imperfections and all. It is how to see our wholeness. Cultivating compassion for one’s self strengthens relationships by minimizing our expectations from others. Self-compassion dissolves anger, frustration and jealousy. It is a heart-healing process to equanimity of mind.

My conclusion is that training the mind with self-discipline and action needs to be balanced with healing the heart through self-compassion. Through the process of acknowledging grief, I have come to know its purpose. The recognition of grief delivers what needs to be healed and self-compassion is the root of all healing. After this week of reflection upon grief, I have made a commitment to practice ‘less doing’ and incorporating daily self-compassion.

MEDITATION PRACTICE

Meditation is a practice of self-compassion. It links the heart to the mind and brings us back home. It connects us with the part of our Self that is part of the whole.

Below is a short reading and self-compassion meditation. Listen with the intention of loving-kindness towards yourself. Off the cushion, practice self-compassion by doing (or not-doing) activities that bring you joy. What makes your heart sing?

You are a magnificent being of light. You are guided. You are protected. You are loved.

To your greatness.